The Rush-Hour Revolving Door

It appears the transfer window has entered its manic final stage, spinning at a speed that makes the Stratford concourse at five o’clock look positively serene. Two out, one in. Mathematics that only a football boardroom could possibly describe as balanced.

First, the exits. Niclas Füllkrug has packed his bags for a loan move, bringing an end to what can only be described as one of those West Ham signings where everyone involved would probably prefer we all just forget it happened. He arrived with the reputation of a proven international striker and departed having established himself as a remarkably expensive way of demonstrating that sometimes a player and a football club simply need to meet, discover they have absolutely nothing in common, and move on.

Joining him through the revolving door is Aaron Wan-Bissaka, off to Aston Villa. Which is slightly more difficult to process. Not so long ago, he was being crowned Hammer of the Year and looked like one of the few players in the squad who had actually been told what his job was. Now he leaves East London having somehow travelled from fan favourite to someone most supporters won’t particularly miss.

Football is a funny old game.

To plug the glaring, cavernous hole up front, we’ve secured Leeds striker Joël Piroe on a season-long loan. A proper, clinical Championship finisher, now tasked with carrying the emotional weight of several thousand increasingly anxious East Londoners.

No pressure, son.

It’s classic West Ham, really. We ship out an international striker who never really got going and a former Hammer of the Year whose stock has somehow plummeted through the floor, then replace them with a Dutch sharpshooter and hope the grand cosmic balance sheet somehow turns a profit in the form of three points on Saturday.

Glorious. Terrifying. Utterly bewildering.

So, basically, business as usual.