The Rumour Mill: Shifting Gears and Strictly Ballroom

The transfer window officially opens on Monday, at which point one assumes this relentless machine will actually have to find some more gears. For now, we remain trapped in the murky doldrums of speculation.

The undisputed heavyweight champ of the gossip column this week was supposed to be Manchester United preparing an opening bid for our 21-year-old midfield maestro, Mateus Fernandes. The powers that be had reportedly slapped a rather spectacular £80 million price tag on him, clearly operating under the glorious delusion that we aren’t heading down to the Championship. It was a bold, defiant strategy. Classic West Ham move.   

But wait! The ink wasn’t even dry on that particular fantasy before Paris Saint-Germain decided to aggressively crash the party. The latest frantic whispers suggest they are preparing a truly mind-boggling double swoop, tossing a €130 million cheque onto the table to pry away both Fernandes and Crysencio Summerville in one fell swoop. Apparently, the French champions look at our tragic relegation and see a glorious, cut-price boutique just waiting to be plundered. Watching a Championship side hold out for a €130 million Parisian payday is precisely the kind of beautiful, high-stakes confusion I live for.  

Meanwhile, the frantic whispers surrounding Jarrod Bowen have suddenly dried up entirely. It is a strange sort of silence, especially considering how much it has rained this month. Perhaps the damp has jammed the gears of the media train. This fills me with a dangerous, fragile hope that our skipper might actually stay. Or, quite frankly, maybe he is just entirely preoccupied at home practicing the hokey cokey. His wife, Dani Dyer, has just been sensationally confirmed to return to Strictly Come Dancing this September after last year’s tragic foot fracture. One assumes Jarrod is currently acting as a highly enthusiastic, claret-and-blue glitterball in the kitchen.  

And finally, in a tragedy of profound indifference, there is still absolutely nobody interested in Max Kilman. Poor lad. He remains stuck in the corner like a forgotten umbrella, waiting for a suitor who refuses to arrive. Glorious times ahead on Monday.