The Kings of the AI Kingdom

 

As a rule, June is a tragedy of a month for those of us who tie our emotional stability to the fortunes of eleven men kicking a piece of leather around a field. The summer stretch is normally a barren wasteland of transfer rumours, existential dread, and trying to pretend we care about cricket.

But a spectacular beacon of hope has arrived from the digital ether, and it has arrived courtesy of an artificial intelligence called Grok (fabulous name, rhymes beautifully with crock).

The tech gurus at GiveMeSport tasked this digital oracle with predicting the entire 2026/27 Championship table. Now, quite how this supreme mechanical mind managed to reach a definitive conclusion without the minor details of, say, our actual squad list or a single official fixture, remains a mystery. Classic modern technology move. But details are boring. 

What matters is the data. The oracle has spoken, and it has declared us absolute royalty.

According to our new silicon savior, the Hammers are going to completely dominate the division, amassing a glorious 92 points and cruising back to the Premier League as champions, finishing a comfortable seven points clear of Wolves. The AI even added, rather dramatically, that our "strong squad depth" will see us coast it.

Naturally, as a long-suffering fan accustomed to catastrophic disappointment, I am swallowing this digital hallucination entirely whole. I intend to spend the rest of the summer basking in absolute, unearned confidence. Football is simple, really. Optimistically.